Just Porkin'

If there was a heaven, this is what it'd smell like

I have a lot of weaknesses, most centering around food, hence my svelte body image and kitchen full of cookware. One of the biggest of food borne weakness is the smell of a pit with some sort of meat slowly roastifying over a bed of glowing hardwood coals. If I were that Pitmaster, I would charge folks for just hanging out and basking in the smoky love emanating from my hardworking pit.

As for the meat, pork shoulder/butt is my pick. Practically bullet proof, flavorful, and adapts to many dishes from burritos to Cuban sandwiches – hell, might ever be good as a topping for that ice cream. Then there is just the plain old ordinary pulled pork sandwich. I'm not going to get into an argument over sauce for the sandwich because I believe if properly seasoned to begin with, it doesn't need sauce. When I hit a barbecue place I want any sauce on the side so I can taste the meat on its own to ensure that the sauce isn't being used to cover up shitty barbecue. Life's to short to be eating McRib style BBQ, plain and simple.

Small pork roast with rub applied

To avoid shittyness, it is imperative to have good meat, a good rub, and patience. The meat can be bought at the market preferably a market with a high turnover so you aren't picking up last months super sale shoulder. Be even better if you butchered your own hogs, but most HOAs would wet their pants if you started keeping pigs, besides I have a husky and he'd eat the damn things before I could. Then there's the rub.

I'll put a recipe for a basic rub at the end, but use some sense – taste, add, taste. If you don't taste your spices you will never develop the touch needed to make good anything. And remember to taste your end product – it'll be strong, but that is okay as that flavor has a lot of meat to permeate. At this point you might even consider injecting the meat thereby introducing more flavor and moisture to the heart of the matter, but more on that another time. “Rub” isn't just a catchy name, it is the way the spices are applied. You could slather the meat with mustard to keep the process moist and paste like, but I prefer to sprinkle on copious amounts of rub and drizzle some olive oil to create a paste that is easier to massage into the meat. You'll want full coverage and time for the rub to do its thing, that is wrap it in foil and drop it in the fridge for a couple hours or overnight.

Hunk o' smoked po'k

Fire up the old smoke bucket, and when the coals* are all little chunks of white hot hardwood drop them in the grill for indirect cooking. If you don't know what indirect cooking is at this stage of the game there may be little help for you, but as the word implies, coals on either side of the grill, meat in the center. Normally I'd put a pan of beer in between the coals, but since I start the meat still wrapped in the foil, this is no big deal. I let the meat roast for a couple of hours in its own juices, then open the foil, drop chunks of hickory, mesquite or fruit wood on the coals and close the grill up so the smoke can do its thing. I usually start with hickory or mesquite, then finish with some fruit wood.

Here's a basic rub, the bulk is paprika and brown sugar. The best thing about making your own rub is you control the amount of salt and other ingredients, whereas the commercial brands are sodium heavy and have unpronounceable things in them.

1/4 cup dark brown sugar

1/2 cup sweet paprika

1Tbs kosher salt

1 Tbs granulated garlic powder

1 Tbs granulated onion powder

1 Tbs chili powder

2 Tsp cayenne pepper

And make sure you taste this and adjust to your liking, then smear the meat with it (you can add cooking oil to give it a more paste'like texture – you'll want a lot of the rub on the meat. 

* I prefer "Mr. Stubb's" Hardwood charcoal. I used to use lump charcoal, but between the nails, rocks, and hug chunks of tree limbs in the natural hardwood bags, I reverted to regular, albeit hardwood, charcoal. 

The Thug Kitchen Life

I guess I have to admit that I enjoy tinkering around in the kitchen – think it's more the process than the result, though it is a bonus when whatever it is comes out edible. There is just something incredible about finding a recipe, making it ones own by jiggering it here and there and having it come out successfully. My latest inspiration came from a book entitled “Thug Kitchen" a book as funny as it is useful. I read most of it on an airplane, laughing hysterically at some parts, my wife sitting by my side waiting for the crew to come over and slap on the restraints. I happened across the book by accident, read a sample and was hooked – the discovery  came at a time where, once again, I was beginning to ponder flora vice fauna, and the total vegan tone struck a chord.

If you are out for a great steak recipe, or have an aversion to the word “fuck” being used in it's many forms (it is a very flexible word when it comes to nouns, verbs and adjectives) then this book is not for you, return to your bible and read about fatted goats or something instead. If,on the other hand, you are after ways to turn those weird things in the produce aisle into some incredibly sick fodder, pick yourself up a copy and enjoy. Though I haven't used an entire recipe I have used parts of one to make some tacos, substituting black beans for black lentils (which I couldn't find, though I do now have some pretty red ones), and sorry, but I used some shredded cheddar on top. You can't tell an old Wisconsin boy he can't have no cheese, after all!

Beyond the book there is a lot of information regarding vegetarian cooking and baking that really makes a difference, just remember to tell your wife her favorite cake was made with whole wheat pastry flour before she eats it and gives you her best “yucky” face.  

Resolution? There was one?

Yep, 2015 has come, like it or not, and there's no need to “Google” top 1 resolution – it will be “lose weight.” Don't believe me? Just watch what they're hawking on TV – weight-loss plans and exercise equipment, and a good tip on on buying exercise equipment is to make sure it has long horizontal handles, because they are great for hanging clothes when you finally become bored of the device. The best advice you have gotten or will get on weight loss is eat right and exercise. As far as the equipment, nature had provided all you need, yes old school calisthenics, walking, jogging, downward dog, howl at the moon and many, many, other fine exercise devices are already part of your equipment. Eating right, a tougher job.

Now I am the last guy you want to take nutritional advice from, but luckily there are a lot of people out there who do know what they are doing. Some radical, such as the Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead group Paleo, and Raw types, vegans, but probably the best being ordinary middle road nutritionists. I actually endorse the Fat, Sick, and Dying folks, and found it works well for me and that is saying something considering my background. I am a Wisconsin boy through and through, a place where bratwurst, beer, and cheese are staples. I also love to smoke meat, so to speak, that is slow cook a nice pork shoulder over some hot hickory coals. I have a passion for food, different types, different ethnic varieties, and the entire spectrum – to include vegetables and the juice made from them. It is tough to turn your back on favorite foods, butt he good news is you don't have to - just eat less of them. Any nutritionist worth his or her salt is going to preach moderation., A few pieces of chocolate instead of the sitting with the entire bag (guilty I am afraid), have the pulled pork sandwich, but make some days of the week meatless, have juice in the morning and afternoon, and vegetable dishes in the evening. Beer, no worries, just don't binge on it and make sure water is the beverage of choice beyond that. My weakness is Diet Dr. Pepper, and don't let the words “Diet” or “Doctor” fool you, there is certainly no doctor involved and the artificial sweeteners aren't any better then regular off the cane sugar. Having one once-in-awhile, but sticking to water otherwise is a livable plan, in other words, you get the occasional perk without any real damage.

Bottom line is you have heard all this shit before, mom told you, the doctor told you, hell, Petey on the playground told you -- meaning you don't need any book, you don't need special food delivered to your door, you don't need the “Climbatron 5000,” and you don't need to piss $50 a month on a gym you'll only see the inside of once or twice. Set realistic goals, talk with professionals, and if you are going to do a gym do not just hop on the equipment and start using it without first talking with the gym trainers and developing a plan as well as learning the proper way to use the gear. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Now turn off “Dr.” Oz, get your ass off the couch and take the damn dog for a nice walk – you'll both be better for it.  

Buffalo Chili

Buffalo Chili

Not being able to replicate Esther's chili, this is an homage to her as well as South Dakota in general – hence the buffalo. Buffalo is getting easier to find, if a tad on the expensive side, but any meat will work, regular ground beef, turkey, and a finely diced tri-tip roast is also excellent, but may cost more than the buff. Even better news is that buffalo are making a strong come back, so there's no reason to feel guilty about munching on one in this century, though they are majestic beasts and I highly recommend a trip to Custer State Park in SD to see them on the hoof. My wife and I had little money at the time so it was nice to pack a lunch, drive out to the wild life loop in Custer and sit on the hood, eating lunch and the herds walked by – now that is quality time.

To be honest I rarely measure, preferring a “shoot-look-shoot” approach to cooking, that is to say I add and taste as I go along. I'll include a recipe for you to follow, but I highly advise, especially when adding spice, to add a bit and taste. This should be common sense, but I have found folks will take recipes as gospel and plop in the entire tablespoon of ground ghost pepper thereby rendering the dish inedible – even the coyotes won't take a chance with that. Salt is another one that people tend to dump in, probably because they see some schmuck chef on TV dump a handful of kosher salt in a dish and say it isn't that much, it looks like a lot because the grains are bigger, not willing to admit the dish is now inedible. Bottom line, taste all your spices so you have an idea of how strong they are, then start small and work your way up tasting as you go. Also, if you skipped this bit and went right to the recipe and it is way too strong, it is because you are an idiot. Just sayin'.

I added some non-typical things to the brew, including a can of original Rotel and a couple shots of whiskey, because the alcohol helps the tomato in the Rotel and the tomato paste release more flavor and the taste of the whiskey adds a nice undertone. I also changed up on the beans using dark and light kidneys and pintos, mainly because I really like pintos. You could be bold and even toss in some black beans, they work out well in most anything calling for beans. In fact eventually we'll talk beans exclusively because they are tasty (except for nasty Limas) and a cheap source of protein, especially handy while the price of beef is through the roof.

Buffalo Chili

2lbs ground buffalo (you can substitute Bison if you prefer ;) )

3 strips of thick bacon diced

2 32oz cartons beef stock

1 10oz can of Original Rotel ( a mix of diced tomato and chili peppers)

1 15oz can Dark Red Kidney Beans

1 15oz can Light Red Kidney Beans

1 15oz can Pinto Beans

1 5oz can tomato paste

1 small onion diced

1 tsp mince garlic

2 Tbs chili pepper

1 Tsp cayenne (for the love of whatever deity you fall to your knees for taste as you add this!)

1 Tbs brown sugar

1 shot of whiskey

1 Tbs canola oil ( you may need a bit more as buff is very lean so keep an eye on it).

salt and pepper to taste

Start by adding the oil to a hot pan and browning the diced onion, bacon, and garlic. You can add a couple pinches of kosher salt at this point. Once the onion is starting to brown up a bit add the beef and brown it up good. Once browned dump in the Rotel, tomato paste, whiskey, and all the spices including the sugar. Mix well and allow to simmer a bit, then add one carton of the beef stock (buffalo stock is tough to come by) and stir. Simmer for around 45 minutes stirring occasionally, tasting occasionally and adjusting the spices and adding more stock if needed – the meat should be covered. Simmer until thick, or dump it in a crock pot on low and let it ruminate for a couple of hours.

Browning bacon, onions, and garlic

Brown the buffalo

Add Rotel, whiskey, and spices

Add beef stock and simmer