It is so quiet, too quiet...

Well the fat man has sung, he's back home slipping Mrs Claus a little holiday cheer and taking all the credit for the elves hard work. Such is life, and hopefully life at home has calmed a bit and the garbage man has come to whisk away the mounds of wrapping, boxes, and toys that didn't make the cut, and your relatives are nothing more than a distant memory and some coffee rings Uncle “I Don't Use a Coaster” Ed left on the nice coffee table. Hope he enjoys his crappy thrift store ties emblazoned with “Welcome to Six Flags.” And now it is time to cobble together some meals with the leftovers.

The leftover tamales ( remind me to hide the good ones from the kids next time) pretty much take care of themselves. Little velvety pillows of corn and love made by the best tamale chef anywhere will disappear all on their own. The leftover ham and turkey are a different matter, though they can be viewed as finger food as Emily Post is dead and gone, we can combine some other things and hit most of the food groups and empty the refrigerator in doing so. Potatoes and ham, for instance were pretty much made for each other and can be resurrected as scalloped potatoes and ham. I know, I know it is actually escalloped potatoes and ham, but we called 'em scallops when I was a kid and so be it. Whatever you call them, ham, a cheesy white sauce, and potatoes are considered a delicacy in these parts, especially on a cold winter's eve. IF you happen to have some leftover pork roast hiding away, you can combine slices of the pork, slices of the ham, some pickle slices and yellow mustard, place them between two pieces of crust bread, slather with butter and heat them in a sandwich press for some fairly authentic Cuban Sandwiches. 

The turkey is pretty utilitarian and can be used in almost anything. My favorite way of using up the bits and pieces from the bird is to make a slice of toast, place it on a plate then top with a big dab of hot mash potato, then some sma

ll pieces of heated turkey meat and smother in gravy. Had a dish like that in diners and the school cafeteria, when school cafeterias cooked real food and didn't consider ketchup a vegetable. Push comes to shove you can drop the turkey bits in leftover Christmas Eve chili, or any soup, really. I've even dropped shredded turkey in with some refrieds, rolled them up in a tortilla and made turkey chimies or turkey enchiladas.

The most important device in your cooking tool box is your imagination (tempered with common sense) allowing you to visualize the leftovers, or any food for that matter as a part of a delicious whole. Develop some ideas combining leftovers, spices, and things on hand and go for it – your only tough task will be pawning all those dirty holiday plates, pots, and pans off on someone else for cleaning.   

Requiem for a turkey

Well it's all over but the shouting, you've finally seen the back of all the relatives, and all that's left of the Thanksgiving feed is the last can of Who-Hash. Now to plop down in a comfy chair and let the healing begin so you're in one piece by the time X-mas rolls around. Tough to think of food at a time like this, but those turkeys turned out pretty nice, one started with hickory and finished with apple, the other started with apple and finished with cherry. Both came out juicy and tasty and this is a good time to recap why, and if really ambitious write it down for next year ( I am not that ambitious and besides, I cannot resist tinkering as I cook).

Slip me some skin

Edible non-rubbery skin is a good goal for any poultry project and salt is the answer, or at least part of the answer. This step does add to prep time, but salting the skin with copious amounts of kosher salt so the grains are very noticeable, covering it with some snarl wrap (aka plastic wrap, one of the devil's own tools), and leaving it in the fridge for 2 hours will bring the bird a long way down the crispy skin road. Once the time is up unwrap the turkey and rinse thoroughly to remove the salt and proceed with prep.

Fun between the membranes

Now for the really icky part, slip your fingers between the skin and the breast meat starting at the turkey ass-end and working your way towards the gobble, break the connections between the skin and the flesh. The idea is to create a stuff-able space in between the membranes so you can add stuff – what stuff, you might ask? Well, nearly anything from old gym socks to the entire contents of a lava lamp, but I'd stick to lubricants and herbage such as bacon strips and rosemary. I used both in my turkeys and they did add moisture and flavor to the bird, but by checking the “Flavor Bible” you may find other combinations that might suit your fancy, perhaps sage herb butter or vegetable oil and chopped garlic.

Get stuffed

I don't put stuffing in the bird, but the gaping cavity where the ass used to be does scream for some sort of filling and presents another chance to welcome flavor aboard the SS Rotting Carcass. I'm lucky enough to have a small forest of rosemary in the front yard and a lemon tree in the back, so my choices are obvious. If you're Hill-folk, you might be tempted to shove another animal, such as a duck up the turkey's ass and then shove a chicken up the duck's ass to boot. I'd stick to some sort of herbs and fruit personally, but experimentation is part of the process of growing as a cook so have at – bearing in mind that for all practical purposes you are serving this to fellow humans who might not care for the flavor of that smoldering “Tickle Me Elmo” that you inserted on a dare.

Hard Wood

While attempting to avoid any dick jokes, wood is important to the barbecue process and will add beautiful smokey over tones to compliment the other flavors you have forced upon the dead bird. Mesquite, the usual go to wood out here in the desert is way too bitter, so it is off on a scavenger hunt for other hard woods that won't overpower the fowl, such as hickory or oak. I used hickory chunks to lay the base of the flavor , then half way through the process switched to apple wood to bring on some sweet, and that worked well for my first bird. On the second I opted to start with the apple and then switch to cherry, which rendered a very sweet tasting flesh, quite nice in fact.

Fire it up

I use a chimney style starter to avoid having my food taste like it was brought to you by Shell Oil, and lay the coals down to provide indirect heat, that is a pile of hot coals on one side and a pile of hot coals on the other with a pan of liquid (in this case beer) in between. The pan catches drippings and the liquid instills flavor and steam to aid in moisturizing the boid. I cover the breast with a foil heat shield to slow the cooking of fore mentioned meat, which helps the dark meat get a head start while keeping the white meat moist, and who doesn't like tender moist breasts I ask? Towards the end of the process I mop the bird with some melted butter to aid in the crispification of the skin as well as the rich goodness of buttery, buttery butter.

TTFN

And here we are once again, at the very end of the tail, or Parson's Nose at it is called by our Appalachian brethren. Hopefully the information will help me to remember what I did next time, help you next Thanksgiving of if doing a turkey just for the sake of it – turkey is cheap and readily available through out the year, after all. Next we must set our eye's upon Saturnalia and try to figure out what to serve the next onslaught of relatives that will keep their mouths busy so one doesn't have to listen to all their crap. Just kidding, no really I am. I enjoy cooking and don;t get the chance to cook for groups very often so I do thank everyone for allowing me to inflict my lack of culinary skills upon them ever holiday. I'd also like to thank my grill, which even after fourteen long years still cooks like a champ.  

The Bird, the Whole Bird, and nothing but the Bird...

Though enamored with the boneless turkey roasts, my daughter decided that I should go back to the whole bird for the sake of the grandkids so they might experience the Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving of days gone by. I have to admit there is no romance in the boneless roasts, though they do resemble a football, which is appropriate considering the relatives sleeping through the Giants game in the living room. I had cooked the whole bird when my own kids were smaller. I used the oven, turkey bags (which work very well) , and finally the grill. Once I plopped ol' Tom Turkey on the hot grids I never looked back, though there was one episode that didn't go as planned.

Turkzilla

We were going to celebrate Turkey day with some friends and they said they'd provide the bird and so they did on the day of the festivities they brought over a monster turkey, perhaps the biggest I'd ever seen. The 23 pound beast did fit on my grill, however when I tried to put the cover on my Weber to commence roasting, it just rocked back and forth on top of the bird. The clock was running on this meal with only a few hours until meal time so I had to do some fast thinking. I tired jury rigging the grill by using bricks to prop the top, but that still didn't allow for covered cooking, so violating every rule in my microwave owner's manual, I stuffed the behemoth in the microwave and cooked the hell out of it, finishing it in the oven to get some brown on the skin. The fowl came out very nicely despite the unorthodox and potentially lethal cooking methods.

Prep

Getting the bird ready for the grill is half the battle, maybe even ¾ as the prep will help determine if the bird is a dry chunk of meat in a rubber bag of skin, or a moist bird with crispy golden hide. This is also your chance to introduce a bit of flavor by separating the skin form the breasts (carefully) and inserting various food related items. Herbage is always welcome, moisturizers such as strips of bacon or pats of butter are also a good addition, or for something off the scale try Martin Yan's Chinese Roast Turkey – possibly the most flavorful bird I ever grilled up. In fact I may do that this year accompanied with Yan's superb stuffing recipe.

As for the skin, salting the outside of the bird with kosher salt so that the salt is visible, then wrapping and refrigerating for about 2 hours puts you on the road to crisp skin. After the two hours, bring the bird out and rinse thoroughly to get all the salt off. Them pierce the skin with a fork and part way through the cooking mop the skin with some oil – olive, not motor.

Fire it Up

Once you have pimped out your bird the next step is to arrange indirect heat on the grill by placing coals on either side leaving an open area in the center. This open area is a great place to put a pan full of beer or water, you can use one of those disposable foil pans. The fluid filled pan will do two things, help with the moisture and catch grease from the bird. I like to place the bird on a roasting rack atop the grids, and clip the wing tips and tuck up the end of the drums, finally placing a tinfoil shield over the breast for the first hour of roasting. To be honest I use whatever wood I have on hand, generally mesquite, but starting with hickory or oak and finishing with apple or cherry would be the way to go. Maintain around 250-300 and use a meat thermometer stuck into the meaty part of the thigh to see how Ol' Tom is progressing. Remember for poultry you want the temp at 165. Generally I pull the bird when it his 160 and allow it to rest and cruise up toe 165 – remember you can always cut it up and microwave if the meat still looks a bit on the rare side.

Don't Poison Anyone

As with an food it is important to observe all safety guidelines – ignore these and you may well wind up killing guests instead of entertaining them. Go HERE  for some sound advice. I don't normally trust our government, but as they didn't name the item “War on Turkey” I figured it was probably going to be successful advice. 

Turkey Roast

Looks as though we may be doing the two Thanksgiving Day thing again this year. I don't mind a bit as it allows me to spend a lot of quality time with the grill, as I smoke my birds – the though part is keeping them lit. I've been doing turkey or boneless turkey roasts on the grill as long as I can remember. I know some who swear by deep frying their bird, but I have had it done that way and found it was nothing to write home about, not to mention the vast quantities of very expensive peanut oil and the chance of it all ending a spectacular fire. Okay, the fire would be pretty cool -- sometime I'll have to relate the story of the giant fireball I created (unwittingly) on my old Weber, that was nuts.

The boneless turkey roast is a snap, I prefer the ones with both dark and light meat, all wrapped in a net bag ready for the grill. I toss the gravy packet that comes with it out as I don't know what is in the pouch and I don't want to know. The roast is small, so I usually do several, one with a rub, one injected with olive oil, garlic, and Italian seasoning, and one just salt and pepper. I use indirect heat, with a pan of beer under the roasts to provide steam and additional flavor and I use hickory through the whole process, but they'd be nice if one were to finish with apple. I do come through with a quick mop of apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and crushed red pepper. About half way through the cooking process. They cook fairly quickly, even with the grill kept around 250 so I use a meat thermometer and when I find the temp at 165, I pull the roasts cover with foil and let them rest. The temp should cruise up to about 170, the safe temperature for poultry. Don't be too ashamed to use the microwave if the bird still looks a bit pink, better your guest fall asleep in front of the TV than spending the rest of the day hugging the toilet.

Consider the roasts if you don't feel like dealing with a carcass, don't want your bird to wind up looking like a prop from a slasher movie after your attempt at carving. While the roasts don't have the romance of a Norman Rockwell Thanksgiving, they make up for it in less waste as they are all meat and they cook a lot quicker than a whole bird.